Getting back up...

Hi,

These past few weeks, writing has felt close to impossible. Finding the right words, knowing what to say, has been beyond me. There's been a lot to digest and don't want to share undigested thoughts and feelings here. Perhaps it’s no surprise the last time I sent something out, on Wishes and Shooting Stars, was October 6th.

The main challenge has been how to cook down the multitude of thoughts and feelings into a coherent and digestible soup to share. Some ingredients needed to be sautéed, while others need a long slow simmer.

I think the reality is that I've been learning a lot these past few weeks. Learning how to be with heartbreak and grief in new ways and learning how to be with pain and anguish.

Some of the learning has simply been a matter of witnessing myself reacting in ways that differ from the past. A recognition how I've grown and changed over time.

In the past the October 7th attacks would have left me numb, or perhaps angry. Here and now I was able to feel my grief and sadness and let them flow through me in waves.

I've been able to experience heartbreak, sorrow, and grief without hate, without toxic heat, or cynical bitterness.

In the past I may have chosen to be alone and isolate myself amidst the grief and sadness, this time I chose to reach out, to connect, to be in community with my pain.

And I also noticed the places where things got fuzzy. Where amidst the cacophony of emotions and thoughts, I became less coherent and less capable of staying engaged in ways I wish I could. I've toggled between self-compassion and self-criticism, and I'm noticing that too.

There's a lot to say, but for now, an invitation to be where you are, and to feel what you're feeling. To remember that being human complex. As much conflict and tension and interpersonal pain as there is, there is also a whole lot of Love.

I'm not advocating bypass or transcendence, just trying to remind us all to find a way to sit in the strange juxtapositions of the lives being lived on this planet.

It's also worth naming that writing wasn't the only thing that fell to the wayside. Amidst all of this "learning" and working through and being with these immense emotions some of my other worldly responsibilities were neglected. No need to call in child protection services, it wasn't that bad... but I'm finding myself playing catch-up on a backlog of responsibilities and also finding ways to repair around broken agreements.

I'm honoring my humanity, not spiraling into a frozen shame, while also striving to identify ways I can both do better a staying on track and on top of my responsibilities and, as important, communicate more effectively as I notice the gaps starting to build up.

If you’re wanting or needing support in navigating these strange times (or just needed some space to regroup and get grounded as we shift into “the holiday season” and all that comes with it), please reach out.

There is more to come... exploring the interface of personal and collective change and healing.

With anguish and despair, heart and hope, and an openness to Grace,

Noah