"It's Not Fair..."
I hear this come out of my children’s mouths about a kajillion times a week. Most parents probably do.
It use to annoy me to no end.
It still annoys me, but as I’ve come to better understand what’s at play, I’m now able to support a process and language that’s less annoying.
I also hear it much less often.
Partially because we’ve outlawed the phrase in our home.
First, I tried logic and reason. I tried to help my young children (9 and 5 now) understand that from their limited perspective they can’t accurately assess fairness.
That obviously didn’t work.
I considered using my own parent’s tactic, “life’s not fair.” That was the refrain I would hear if I tried to invoke the ploy of fairness. It’s true, life is not fair.
Even if “Life” is fair, we humans have layered sociocultural and political systems that are very not fair onto”Life.” Who knows what things would look like without our shenanigans.
The “Life’s not fair” trope didn’t speak to me deeply or help me in those situations. There was simply a sense of defeat and resignation.
So I sat with this fairness phrase I hear so often and I tried to get underneath it.
What is it that’s going on for these young humans navigating life? What are they feeling?
They’re jealous.
It’s pretty simple. They’re not happy with their lot as compared to the sibling or friend.
Maybe underneath the feeling of jealousy is sadness? But, without digging deeper we’ve settled on that.
“It sounds like you’re feeling jealous, why don’t you try saying that instead?”
I think shame and embarrassment probably prevent kids from acknowledging they feel jealous. It’s a bit taboo and they figure that out fairly early.
There’s not much I can do with a statement like “it’s not fair,” but “I’m jealous” is something I can acknowledge and reflect legitimacy around as an emotional experience.
“Hey honey, I hear that you’re feeling jealous. That’s not a super comfortable feeling. I’m sorry that’s where you are right now. Thanks for sharing that with me. Do you want a hug?”
Sometimes validating the way a kid feels is enough to help them move through the feeling.
It doesn't necessarily make the feeling go away, but at least they feel seen and heard and understood.
Hopefully you feel like you’ve got the Jedi master moves for dealing with the annoying statements around fairness…
And maybe you see the strategy:
- something not working quite right
- feel into it,
- contemplate,
- meditate, and
- see what comes up.
Experiment. Reiterate.
Until next time,
Noah